Desert and Rain

I've been thinking a lot about a time lapse video I saw at some point in my life. I can't find it, of course. It was of a desert. It starts dry and brown. Then in sweeps a huge dramatic rain storm complete with lightning strikes and a deluge of water flooding the land. After the torrents of floodwaters are gone, there is a brief pause as the desert seems to try and figure out what the hell just happened. And then...well then, life bursts out every crack and crevice. Out of no where flowers who have been dormant for years just start exploding into bright ridiculous colors. There are no other words to use but exploding, bursting words. It's life unable contain itself.

So, I've been sitting here for a couple of hours drinking my Godiva chocolate liqueur infused milkshake, searching the internet for this video. I need to see this video. It is the time lapse version of my soul. As I have read back over my posts about my fatih, I noticed one very strong theme. Fear and Drought. We've talked about God poking me in the eye and saying, "Now wait one minute, Little Lady. You are the one standing far off, not me!" (Yes, God calls me "Little Lady") And it's true. It's all true.

We've also talked about the fact that I have been diagnosed with OCD manifesting itself as Obsessive Morbid Thoughts and Religious Scrupulosity. In essence, my brain has turned God into my adversary. Instead of thinking of God as a protective loving force over my children, he is this maniacal super villain just waiting in the dark to snatch up one of them. After all, he has already done so six. times. As much as I want to believe that God loves my children even more than I do, it just can't be possible. I have to prove that I love them more so that he will say, "Ok. You win. They should stay with you." Like some sort of twisted custody arrangement.

I wasn't raised with this God. This is not the God of my formative years. I was raised with the feel good father of the guitar Mass years. No, this is the God of my childbearing (and not-bearing) years. In the past, I have fallen into the camp of praying prayers like they were magical spells and wearing medals as if they were talismans. Both complete heresy. But now, I've taken a new course.

Shhhhh. I'm hiding from God. Do you think he can see me? It reminds me of Fiona playing hide and seek with her brothers and sister. She puts her face into the pillow and assumes no one can see her. That's me. I've become a runaway. I've made myself an orphan. I am in the desert of my own making. And as much as I want that rain storm. And need that riot of life renewal. As much as my soul is withering away to nothing in this arid landscape, I am too afraid of what that rain storm might look like. So, I am careful not to ask for it. I'm very cautious not to mean it. After all, what would the lightning strike? My husband? One of my children? What would be washed away in the flood? Just my fear? or also my life? leaving my children motherless. Which of my idols would I have to sacrifice to this God?

blech.

I have hit a serious case of the winter blahs. The kids have gotten crabby. I have gotten shrewish. I seem to yell more right now than whisper. Well, we all do. I am having to force myself to go out and socialize. A week ago, I whipped out the last of my steaks and I invited several friend families over for dinner just to get around people. The food was amazing including, Steaks with Kalamata-Olive Chimichurri, and these amazing biscuits (seriously, I could eat my weight in them.) A couple of good bottles of wine and we had a wonderful time. Just what we all needed. We stuck with tradition and the women drank wine and cooked and the men drank beer and watched football. And the kids...well frankly, I don't know what they did. We patched them up when they bled and occasionally told them to stop throwing something at somebody.

I am totally cocooning, which is good because it appears to be a snow day tomorrow. And starting next Sunday I will be doing a little experiment. For one whole week, I will not tell any of the kids, "not right now." Unless of course I really can't do it right now. But usually I am doing something that really could be dropped to take a moment and read a story to Ladybug or teach Jellybean to knit or let Porkchop help me in the kitchen. I will mark the difference it makes in our relationships and in the house. I will find another time to vacuum or blog or watch tv. I've fallen into a really ugly pattern with this and I am excited to force myself out of it. Want to join me?

Peek-In-Monday

Right before I got the camera out he was jumping around the kitchen "shocking" anyone who came in and singing "Shock the Monkey" in his Axl Rose voice. I can't explain this phenomenon, but for whatever reason when Chowder tries to imitate a particular singer, no matter who, it sounds like Axl Rose. "Sweet Caroline" in his best Neil Diamond imitation really just sounds like Axl Rose. "Sunday Bloody Sunday?" Bono becomes Axl Rose. "Mexican Radio?" by Axl Rose. Have you ever heard "Unforgettable" sung by Axl Rose?

notice at the end he is even annoying the dog.

OK. Here we go. The Kitchen.

So, my starting point with my kitchen is the big blank wall. It is parallel to you when you walk in the door. It is big and blank. see? (Please ignore giant dog butt.)


So, on this wall I wanted to put a new pretty paper.
These are my top choices..Anzio From Ballard Designs


and from Linda Barker: Tempting-Celadon



And from Design Your Wall are these choices





Once I pick the paper I can choose the paints. I'm leaning toward 2, 3, and 5. I like the muted cool tones of the celadon. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that my entire house wall to ceiling is painted yellow. It's a nice, soothing yellow. But I'm done with all the warmth already! But, at the same time I like the bam! of the red. I've ordered samples so we have to see what they really look like once I get them.

The big, blank wall will also be getting some shelving. Something along the lines of Elfa.


I'll paint the island thingy some sort of complimentary color to whatever scheme I come up with. Then I'll throw in a couple of rugs and some new canisters, tea kettle, trash can and such. And then, as the kids like to say, "Bwalla!" (like, you know, Voila!)

Well, I may never be able to blog again...

My next blog post is supposed to be about my 2009 Resolution. It was going to tell you all about how finally I'm going to bite the bullet and decorate my house. It was going to tell you how I'm picking a room a month and I'm starting with my kitchen. It was going to tell you my big plans and have you help me pick out some stuff. It was going to have a before picture of my kitchen....and that is where we keep running into problems. I've been waiting for my kitchen to be clean so that I could take a picture. I keep telling myself, "Tomorrow, Kate. Tomorrow you'll finally get it all clean." You see, I keep getting it almost clean. But then it so quickly becomes un-clean again and I just haven't been able to get it to that all-clean place.

So, here it is almost midnight and my kitchen looks like this





and instead of using this time to get it done I have been chatting with my brother on Facebook and planning my application to my next job. Don't you think we would be perfect for it?! I'd have the greatest blog ever!

The Resolution of last year's Resolution...

Last year around this time I made one very big and important resolution. I resolved that 2008 would be the year that I went back to school to finish my degree. And I am going to check that off my list, even though officially I did not go back in 2008. I did however, apply and get accepted in 2008 and I will be starting this month.

Should it have taken an entire year to do that? well, no. But, it turns out that I am a really big chicken. I can't tell you how many times I sat in front of this computer to write the stupid essay and ended up just sitting here. orrrrr poking around on various message boards. orrrrrr playing games on my kids Webkinz accounts. (I rock Home Before Dark!) I was paralyzed. I have no idea why. Well, maybe. I mean, I still feel such weird insecurities from my first college career and the whole teen pregnancy thing. My how those doubts get themselves so dug into our spirits that they become interwoven with the threads of ourselves. It doesn't take as much courage as I expected. It takes...persistence. And patience. And precision. To go back over that fabric and pull out those threads one by one. It takes time.

It took me 2 years. 2 years from when I realized that I wanted to attend St. Mary of the Woods and then actually getting it done. I would keep going back to the website. Keep looking at the application. My biggest dread was awakening the old demons by requesting my transcripts. I finally had to sit myself down and force myself to send the forms. And in the end, there was no big overshadowing monster. There were instead, 2 years worth of credits! And to think I was so afraid of this demon I almost just pretended I never went to school!

So, I am officially a co-ed. Do you think they'll let me join a sorority?

Happy New Year!

We have so much to catch up on!
I'll be back blogging next week. We were out of town last week and in and out of Children's hospitals because Fiona is fighting off RSV. She seems to be getting the upper hand now. Please keep her in your prayers.

Next week:

• The Evolution of last year's Resolution.
• 2009 Resolutions
• Update on Conor
• My new favorite things.
  

until next week a quick peek into how my family helps me get dinner ready while listening to Ok Go...






looks helpful, doesn't it?