Common Focus

It all goes by so fast. Even these days right now where I am scrambling and exhausted. or maybe MORE these days because I am scrambling and exhausted, I feel it all just slipping through my finger tips. They really do grow up so fast and right before our very eyes. Fiona was just born! Wasn’t she? Weren’t they all?

Some of it is a welcome adjustment, such as the way the kids are able to pitch in more now that they are older. This week’s chores are Rosie and Fiona washing and folding one load of laundry a day (I still have to do another load, but still!) and Max is spraying and wiping down all the bathrooms everyday (I clean them thoroughly once a week) and Oliver is feeding the pets and cleaning up their waste everyday. That part is really nice.

But, that also leads us to the other places. The peer relationships that can be so tricky to navigate. The popular toys that go against our values. The introduction of media that we feel is too mature for them. This is where the growing up gets sticky and the test for how well we are holding on to our family’s values and identity. This is where I find the real struggles of parenting. This is where second guessing can begin to plague me. Is it really important that we don’t watch High School Musical, yet? What are my reasons for that again? Barbie? Power Rangers? In the end will really matter? Am I making a mountain of too many little mole hills? Aren’t there more important core issues that I need to stand on? But then aren’t all these little pieces a part of holding on to the core issues? How do we decide which activities we participate in?

I read once in one of the million parenting books that I have read, that each family should write its own mission statement. This idea intrigued me because mission statements are so key to the non-profit organizations in which I participate. The mission statement should be short and to the point and then help an organization or family focus its...well, mission. An organization cannot do everything. That dilution of mission means that it will do many things poorly instead of a few things well. So, if something comes up that does not fit in our mission? then we simply don’t do it. Girl Scouts? A great organization but if it’s not a part of who are family wants to be, than great! Decision made. And not just another thing that we have to add to our list of things we are doing. It is too easy for a family to fall into the “do many things poorly” trap. and Hannah Montana? Bakugan? Does it fit with our values? no? yes? super. decision made. As we start embarking on this next phase of family life, it would be good to have a common focus. It will make each individual decision easier when we have a larger lens to look

This man...

I just came across this picture from when Fiona was born and it took my breath away.

From this summer

Bob's parents told him that the bartender at the country club they live on was asking about Oliver. How was he doing? What had he been up to? Telling them what a great kid he is.

and he is.

We just can't figure out when he's been hanging out in the bar. We're wondering if maybe we should keep a closer eye on him when we are visiting the grandparents.

The Curse has been inherited...

Tomorrow is the first day of school for the kids. They are beyond excited. But, today Rosie told me that she is a little worried about school because "Mary" is in her class. Last year "Mary" was a developing Queen Bee and Rosie was genuinely confused by her and fickleness. and her meanness.

It was incredibly apropos because I just finished confronting a Queen Bee in my own life so I was able to talk with her from a very fresh perspective. But, I'm afraid I burdened her with a curse more than alleviated her concerns. It would appear that she, like me, was born to battle these creatures. And on the one hand I felt a little proud but on the other my heart broke for all of the future heartbreak she is facing. So, I tried to arm her as best I could. Here is what I told her, from one Queen Bee Slayer to another.

I wish I could tell you that girls grew out of this phase. That somewhere hearts were softened and insecurities were wiped away and these Mean Girls turned into compassionate, open women. But that would be a lie. You will meet Mean Girls your entire life. The first lesson that you have to learn is how to recognize them. It is easier to simply avoid their reach altogether than to have to slip out from their grasp once you realize what you are tangling with.

A sure sign that you are dealing with a Mean Girl is if she tries to cozy up to you and get information from you about other people, your friends. She may sound supportive or sympathetic. She generally shows up an opportune time, like when you have just had an argument with one of your friends. Trust me. This girl has no interest in comforting you. She only wants to use you. Your best response...You should ask her that yourself.

The second and hardest lesson you need to learn is that when you go up against a Queen Bee, you are going alone. Even if you are going to defend your friend against mean things that the Queen Bee has done. You will look at the Queen Bee and all her "friends" around her and when you turn to find comfort in seeing your friends behind you...you will hear the wind in the trees and gravel under your feet. But you will not hear the sound of someone backing you up. I've done this countless times. I wish to God that I didn't feel like I had to fight these battles. But, I truly can't help it. And the worst feeling is knowing that you are standing there completely alone. Even at my age when I know that it is the case, I still hope...and my heart still drops. But, if you choose to stick your neck out and stand up to her, (and you don't have to!) know beforehand that you will be standing alone. No matter how many people told you that this person needed to be brought down. No matter how hurt and upset the person you are defending is, in the end it is your neck. alone. And nine times out of ten, you're going to get your ass handed to you in a pretty package with a bow on top. And after all of that, they will come out of the woodwork to tell you how great it was that you stood up to the Queen Bee.

And the last lesson...nine times out of ten? It won't have changed anything. The Queen Bee will still reign. But you? You have stood up to injustice. You will hurt. But, I have to believe that somewhere in the universe this little flap of butterfly wing has brought about an act of great love.

It all goes by so fast. Even these days right now where I am scrambling and exhausted. or maybe MORE these days because I am scrambling and exhausted, I feel it all just slipping through my finger tips. They really do grow up so fast and right before our very eyes. Sweeting was *just* born! Wasn’t she? Weren’t they all?

Some of it is a welcome adjustment, such as the way the kids are able to pitch in more now that they are older. This week’s chores are Rosie and Fiona washing and folding one load of laundry a day (I still have to do another load, but still!) and Max is spraying and wiping down all the bathrooms everyday (I clean them thoroughly once a week) and Oliver is feeding the pets and cleaning up their waste everyday. That part is really nice.

But, that also leads us to the other places. The peer relationships that can be so tricky to navigate. The popular toys that go against our values. The introduction of media that we feel is too mature for them. This is where the growing up gets sticky and the test for how well we are holding on to our family’s values and identity. This is where I find the real struggles of parenting. This is where second guessing can begin to plague me. Is it really important that we don’t watch High School Musical, yet? What are my reasons for that again? Barbie? Power Rangers? In the end will really matter? Am I making a mountain of too many little mole hills? Aren’t there more important core issues that I need to stand on? But then aren’t all these little pieces a part of holding on to the core issues? How do we decide which activities we participate in?

I read once in one of the million parenting books that I have read, that each family should write its own mission statement. This idea intrigued me because mission statements are so key to the non-profit organizations in which I participate. The mission statement should be short and to the point and then help an organization or family focus its...well, mission. An organization cannot do everything. That dilution of mission means that it will do many things poorly instead of a few things well. So, if something comes up that does not fit in our mission? then we simply don’t do it. Girl Scouts? A great organization but if it’s not a part of who are family wants to be, than great! Decision made. And not just another thing that we have to add to our list of things we are doing. It is too easy for a family to fall into the “do many things poorly” trap. and Hannah Montana? Bakugan? Does it fit with our values? no? yes? super decision made. As we start embarking on this next phase of family life, it would be good to have a common focus.

When Bob gets home I think we will be investigating this further. It will make each individual decision easier when we have a larger lens to look through.

He's Gone Again

Well, Friday night brought him home to us and Sunday afternoon took him away again. It was really great to see him and hold him again, but we both agree that it made it harder for him to go back. I’m hoping the kids will adjust ok tomorrow morning.

We had friends over for dinner tonight and we’ll have more over tomorrow, Wednesday, and Friday. It really helps to have these evenings broken up. All of these people love us and support us and won’t bat an eye about the house slowing falling apart around us. They’ll probably smoothly pitch in without any mind. I can’t tell you how blessed we are to have such amazing friends and neighbors.

It seems I’m going going going all day but still keep falling behind. My vow this week is to be lights out going to sleep by 11:00 pm. I think a big part of the problem is my lack of sleep. He called me tonight to let me know that he got to Dubuque safely, so now everyone is in their place.

not so good at this solo parenting thing

I need to remember that Fiona is like a bad fart, silent but deadly.

While I was up changing Eleanor's diaper, I left Fiona in the family room. By the time I had come back downstairs, she had downed half a bottle of Hershey's syrup. I found her sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor nursing it like a baby bottle.

I went upstairs for a few minutes while I disciplined Oliver and came downstairs to find Fiona had made them pretty! meaning written all over herself and Eleanor with green permanent marker.

I went upstairs during Fiona and Eleanor's naptime to throw in some laundry and found the nursery's door open. Fiona was in Eleanor's crib and had covered them both in Post-it notes.